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1. |
CHEAP CITY PARTY PROGRAM
03:27
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The rooms are packed. The bands are tight.
Had a 12 day week, but this feels alright.
The vibes are good. The feeling’s strong.
I seem alright. I feel all wrong.
I see something in the mirror that I can’t bear.
And then a brand new feeling that floats through the air.
I see you there in the twilight stare.
Pulled in so close but the end is near.
I can feel some sickness forming
When I wake up Sunday morning.
Something’s trying to crawl out of me.
It’s like something just got its claws into me.
And if I don’t get it out I think I’ll die,
But if I do get it out I think I’ll die.
I want to die every Saturday night.
Why can’t I figure out how to feel alright?
I arrived with bones like screaming, burning guitars
So I’d get sucked up in the aftermath of the void of a dying star.
Like a kiss from a sleepless dream, just because.
If someone else can do it, how come nobody does?
I can feel some sickness forming
When I wake up Sunday morning.
Something’s trying to crawl out of me.
It’s like something just got its claws into me.
And if I don’t get it out I think I’ll die,
But if I do get it out I think I’ll die.
I want to die every Saturday night.
Why can’t I figure out how to feel alright?
The only time that I feel alright
Is when my face is lit up by freeway lights
I’m gonna drive all night. I’m a runaway train.
I’m a lab rat on the run, won’t go back again.
Yeah:
I’m blue. I’m blue. I’m blue. I’m blue.
We rock the party all night every night
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2. |
K.O. OK?
03:53
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You lost your wallet in the rain of the biggest storm we’d had in over 30 years.
The water spilled through the doors and we just sat knee deep in the puddles in your car.
Before we opened the windows and swam out like the Last Chance Gas Station parking lot was a swimming pool,
And we spilled like cooking oil into each other's arms.
This is the first time that I spoke today.
And I’ve been wearing the same clothes for a few days.
I’m having a hard time eating,
And I don’t know, I’m just feeling strange.
Instant K.O., okay?
You’re a toaster oven pizza.
And I’m damn glad to meet ya.
You’re like some spring anesthesia.
But I know I’ll never be that for you.
All the colors lie in waiting.
Some fun and some frustrating.
You say it’s getting aggravating,
That I’m not fully here.
This is the first time I left the house this week.
I don’t know what’s going on with me.
It’s something that apparently everyone else can see.
That I’m not fully here.
Am I awake or am I still dreaming?
Walking around or am I still sleeping?
I’m not really here.
Am I singing or am I just screaming?
Falling in love or am I just scheming?
I’m not really here.
The sadness in my skull:
I I I I I I I I don’t want to tell you what I’m thinking about,
‘Cause if I do then
I I I I I I I I’m scared that you won’t know what I’m talking about.
It’s fun but it’s frustrating.
It’s starting to get aggravating that
I’m not really here.
But you’re not really here.
But I’m not really here.
It’s like this:
You’re the Sno-Caps, long lash,
Found you at the pharmacy.
Vitamins and jujubes,
This distance is fucking killing me.
It’s Twizzlers in the ambulance.
It’s M&M’s and abstinence.
Reese’s Pieces, Almond Joy,
Forthcoming thoughts or being coy?
It’s Fireballs at traffic jams,
Cow Tales. Hold hands.
Or honey in the back row,
And ice cream when the sun gets low.
Crunch bars in the crystal skull.
You’re having fun. I’m getting dull.
Insomnia, anxiety,
And whatever gender I can’t be.
It’s burnt sugar in the trash can,
And a midnight rental moving van.
Quickly fading attention spans
And working off of different plans.
It’s Fun Dip, Pixie Sticks,
Speech bubbles made of cake mix.
Last kiss before I hit the bricks.
Ketchup blood French Fry crucifix.
Make a spreadsheet in the darkness.
Think really hard about getting your shit together,
So you can be more impressive or whatever.
Hang on to the feeling, pour it over a campfire, and breathe it in forever.
Put all of your stories out into the ether.
Be less of a panic and more of a sleeper.
Is this real or am I still dreaming?
Lost in a cloud yet looking for meaning.
I’m not really here.
Want to whisper to you, but I feel like I’m screaming,
Flailing around and lost in unmeaning.
I think I’m not really here.
The sadness in my skull:
I I I I I I I I want to tell you everything I’m thinking about,
But if I do then
I I I I I I I I’m scared that you’ll be freaked out by what I’m on about.
It’s fun and it’s frustrating.
You say it’s getting aggravating that
I can’t decide if I’m okay or if I need to just shut up and then stop.
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3. |
GINGER PEACHY
03:20
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One question that I ask while I keep my eyes forward,
Hyper focused on the movement of my feet.
My focus is on the street,
But also on the way that it feels when she brushes against my cheek.
I’d give my whole self to you,
Flesh, skin, and pit.
I’d give my whole self to you,
Flesh, skin, and pit.
I don’t want to be asleep,
But man, I don’t want to be awake.
Sometimes I don’t want to be alive, and here’s that question:
Who fell into who?
Whatever layers of abstraction
And self mythologizing I can use
To make you fall for my surrogate ego.
Whatever signs we both choose not to read.
I can taste the feeling in my mouth.
I can feel the buzzing in my brain.
I think.
I try to think.
I think I’m going quite insane.
I’d give my whole self to you,
Flesh, skin, and pit.
I’d give my whole self to you,
Flesh, skin, and pit.
I fell asleep, I think, on the banks of the stream.
And there, I think, I had the loveliest dream.
I love the way you look underneath the tattered clouds,
And in the dream, I think, I spoke the things I’d never say out loud:
All of this in the stomach drop, panic monsoon,
Your busted heart just spent all night screaming at the moon,
In her reflection against the water against an overcast sky,
In the disappearing memory of the twinkling of an eye.
I memorized your face on the day we met:
Stones sinking in the water of the Willamette.
I thought that could be me if you’d just let me go.
That could be me if you’d just let me go.
You have five days left but you’ve got 30 mistakes.
Four day empty stomach plus a few strong drinks is all it takes.
We’re both fucked up. She’s great. She’s ginger peachy.
Why am I always feeling so guilty?
Why can’t this one perfect second of a dream be enough to get me through whatever’s left of my life?
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4. |
SLEEPLESS IN SAVANNAH
03:57
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With the curtains closed and the lights turned off.
And the AC up high and my phone turned off.
I’m drinking instant coffee and I’m wearing her sweater.
I’m puking up candy and I don’t feel better.
I’m watching Question Show reruns and I'm in a haze.
I haven’t felt this good in days.
I’m reading Rat Jenkins memoirs and I’m taking a bath.
I haven’t felt this bad in days.
Raise your hand if you feel like the smoke rising from an ashtray.
Raise your hand if you feel like the smoke rising from an ashtray.
I’m slipping away when I know me too well.
There ain’t a cable long enough to pull me outta this hell.
I can’t think. I’ve got no patience. I’m clawing at the walls.
I’ve got just enough battery left to make one phone call.
Raise your hand if you feel like the smoke rising from an ashtray.
Raise your hand if you feel like the smoke rising from an ashtray.
The doctors tell me I should change my diet.
Sleepless.
The men all tell me I should change my clothes
Sleepless
Everyone says they’re worried about me, and maybe they should be.
Sleepless
The horoscope tells me I should change my woes
Sleepless
The girls all tell me I should change my voice
Sleepless
The singers all tell me I should make less noise
Sleepless
Alarm bell rings. Is that happening outside or is it in my head?
Sleepless
The voices in my head all tell me I should -
But actually, I don’t wanna tell you that
Sleepless
Drove ten hours through the night just to get away.
Everybody’s asking me if I’m okay, and I wish they’d all fucking stop (except for one).
I don’t know where I’m supposed to stay
So I choose a new place every night and I’ll live on the freeway
Raise your hand if you feel like the smoke rising from an ashtray.
Raise your hand if you feel like the smoke rising from an ashtray.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Things look different for insomniacs.
It’s a waking death mask that makes me look that.
I think about you, nameless daydream panorama,
The two of us in love and sleepless in Savannah.
Counting flashes on the smoke alarm cause there ain’t no sheep
ONE
No sleep
Staring at the smoke alarm and anxiety creeps
ONE TWO
No sleep
Violent hypnic jerks keep me from falling asleep
ONE TWO THREE
No sleep
Staring at the smoke alarm: Itchy skin. Scratch and bleed.
ONE TWO THREE FOUR
No sleep
Counting flashes on the smoke alarm cause there ain’t no sheep
ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE
No sleep
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5. |
CLOSE, BUT NOT TOO CLOSE
01:53
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I am just a hurricane that blew into your life,
And if you give it enough time I’ll surely dissipate.
You can rebuild your house and move on with your life,
And I’ll just be rainwater left to stagnate.
I want to cry.
I want to scream.
I want to laugh.
I want to dream.
I want to run headfirst into oncoming traffic,
‘Cause a coma’s the only thing that’s gonna put me to sleep.
It’s sure as shit not whatever I’ve been doing.
Baby it was good with you, but without you it’s even better.
It was good with you, but without you it’s even better.
At least that’s what I tell myself.
I want to be boring with you,
And this is a different you than the one before.
Hyperventilating! Hyperventilating!
The room is spinning fast and I’m hyperventilating.
I think this is the panic attack that finally kills me.
There’s a bomb inside my skull and I can feel it detonating.
Lauren just told me I’ve been tapping my fingers
On my shoulder for the past 30 fucking minutes
And I can’t stop thinking about the same damn thing so
I’m hyperventilating! I’m hyperventilating!
Baby it was good with you, but without you it’s even better.
It was good with you, but without you it’s even better.
At least that’s what you tell yourself.
Intrusive thoughts, they just won’t stop.
I want to have a reason to stop writing songs.
3 AM ideas please fuck off. No more ideas, please.
I want to do anything that’ll make me stop feeling like this.
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6. |
HYDROXYZINE DREAM
02:57
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Who am I?
Who is she?
What’s this vision of love that seems to be in my dreams?
Am I asleep?
Or, am I “asleep?”
First she’s standing on the docks.
Then I’m drowning in the water.
Then I’m crashing into rocks.
Then she’s back there getting smaller
Then I’m lying in bed.
What is it that she said?
Am I alive?
Am I dead?
At night, when the world is low,
I’ve got no places to go.
Alone with secrets that nobody knows,
I buried your note in a place that no one goes.
I’m a lab rat. You’re a bureaucrat.
I’m all hypocretin. Can you get to that?
I’m a time bomb. I’m a panic attack.
You’re adenosine. You’re all laid back.
I can’t hear what anyone is saying.
There’s a beat that I can’t find,
And everyone is swaying.
Then a crystal ball shatters. Everyone scatters.
Then the hand in my head says that there’s another ladder.
At night, when the world is low,
I’ve got no places to go.
Alone with secrets that nobody knows,
I buried your box in a place that no one goes.
I’m a lab rat. You’re an alley cat.
I’m all caffeine. Can you get to that?
I’m a time bomb. I’m a panic attack.
You’re tryptophan. You’re all laid back.
The checks I sent to her:
Each one was signed with blood.
The bank sent each one back
Marked “insufficient funds”
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7. |
JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
03:06
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It’s all dutch pink.
I’m all deep blue.
It’s a translucent nightmare,
That I can see right through.
It’s getting bigger in my brain.
It’s 7 miles high.
It’s tumbling down the tracks.
It’s 6 miles wide.
It’s a sawtooth grin.
It’s industrial gray.
The walls start to spin.
Foundation starts to sway.
‘Cause I went just a little crazy.
Not too much, but just enough.
I thought, “Moderation’s important.”
But feeling insane is just the stuff.
Give me late night calls. Give me soft tender greens.
Give me 12 day weeks. Give me feral screams.
Give me lead free whites. Secretly love sleepless nights.
Give me sun bleached daydreams in a caffeine haze.
Yeah I think I’m insane, but I love my brain,
Like worn out polaroids on window panes.
I’m the sunken hue backdrop of a diamond glass
I’m the burning question I’m afraid to ask:
When does a fire in a room become a room on fire?
So I tried to stop feeling bad about myself by turning the daydream into a dream of a day, you know?
It’s all dutch pink.
Did I waste my whole life hanging my brain from power lines?
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8. |
SCORPIO 2007
02:34
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I don’t care about the reds, maroons, the blacks, or the browns,
Or the scorpions in my pocket when I head into town.
The water sign of your eyes just keeps on spinning around
Until I bury that blue smog into the frozen ground.
So now it’s building - building - building - building:
You can’t stop me. I’m not coming down.
You can’t calm me. I’m not coming down.
You can’t stop me. I’m not coming down.
You can’t calm me. I’m not coming down:
Scorpio. Scorpio. Scorpio. Scorpio.
It’s why I’m scratching at my skull until my brain starts to bleed.
It’s why the walls are closing in and then I’m swept off my feet.
Man, I’m just lost in a nightmare of your endless machinery.
Waking up crying, it’s so unseemly.
I’m getting ready to flip out, freak out.
You can’t stop me. I’m not coming down.
You can’t calm me. I’m not coming down.
You can’t stop me. I’m not coming down.
You can’t calm me. I’m not coming down.
Scorpio. Scorpio. Scorpio. Scorpio.
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9. |
DISARMING EYES
02:58
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If it’s not the caffeine, then it must be the sugar.
If it’s not the sugar, then it must be the pot.
If it’s not the pot, then it’s the alcohol.
If that’s not right then it’s the Adderall.
Still I want you, but I’m disarmed.
You took my eyes, and then you took my legs,
And then you peeled out my eardrums
But I want you. I’m disarmed.
In another life we’re more than a glance across a parking lot
When you go your way and I go mine.
Disarming eyes in my brain,
In my thoughts.
All the time.
I’m tired of feeling sick.
I’m sick of feeling tired.
I spent all day driving.
I’m so damn wired.
Did I waste my whole life hanging my brain from power lines?
Sizzled to a crisp by the static end times?
The only thing I can do to make my skin feel like skin
Is finding the worst feeling to sit around in.
If it’s not the water, then it must be the fire.
Or if it’s not the greens then it must be the blues.
And if it’s not the darkness then it must the be the light
Why can’t I figure out how to feel alright?
Still I want you, but I’m disarmed.
You took my eyes, and then you took my legs
And then you glued my eyelids shut.
But I want you. I’m disarmed.
I’m gonna be the thread ‘cause I don’t want to be the needle.
I’m gonna be the shadow ‘cause I’m not the sun.
I’m gonna be an array of telephone lines.
I’m gonna be the thing that ended before it’s begun.
I’m gonna fade away. I’m gonna fade away.
I’m gonna fade away. I’m gonna fade away.
I’m tired of feeling sick.
I’m sick of feeling tired.
I spent all day driving.
I’m so damn wired.
I’m tired of feeling sick.
I’m sick of feeling tired.
I spent all day driving.
I’m so damn wired.
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10. |
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Hold the feeling to your neck, taste the sweat,
Smell the longing in the air, when I fall into your eyes with that kaleidoscope (stare)
Staring at the lines as I’m stuck behind Sunday drivers stuck with nowhere to go
Music low.
Think about what you said last night, or tonight, or last week?
When you pushed me away.
Feel the feeling on the edge of my cheek.
I hope this car never stops
I hope this joy never drops
It’s the faucet that won’t stop leaking
It’s the cut that won’t stop bleeding
Gripping onto chains, you always loved it when it rained
Get lost in the analysis of coffee cup stains.
Exploding scanner brains when you say that you’ve been thinking about me too
Get found in some deeper shade of blue.
Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes.
I hope this car never stops
I hope this joy never drops
It’s the pan that won’t stop frying.
It’s all my friends who won’t stop dying.
I hope I always see you like I did in that basement.
One last kiss before I hit the pavement.
Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes
Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes
Hold the feeling to your neck, taste the sweat,
Think about all the things that you regret
Memories in cars, and a bunch of you haven’t even thought of yet.
Like an innocent mistake that starts to feel like a clue:
You like her more than she likes you.
Think about the last thing you said last night
Last exit, last stop, last dream, last day,
Last time you see her eyes lit up by the lights on the freeway.
It’s the alarm that won’t stop blaring
It’s the heart that won’t stop caring
I hope this car never stops
I hope this joy never drops
It’s that lady who won’t stop staring
It’s the car that always needs repairing
I hope I always see you like I did in that basement
One last kiss before I hit the pavement
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11. |
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I decided to go for a walk
I still hadn’t slept, but had come to some vague self acceptance
I don’t remember how I got there.
I don’t know if I could find it again
The ceiling bending down
Like it could cave in at any minute
The smoky haze of it all
It was like a daydream. It was like a fever. And the voices said:
“Hand inside the head. Royal velvet blue.
Feeling half past dead in a blood red crimson hue.
Hand inside the head and a bomb inside your mind.
A clock inside your skull and it’s ticking all the time.”
I didn’t know what the hell any of that meant
But then there was another voice:
“Make some noise if you’re feeling blue.
Make some noise if you’re feeling blue.
Some people got the greens and pinks.
But man I got the blues.”
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12. |
BLUE DANCERS
04:10
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Okay so I’m going about my day and I’m just trying to stay focused
I’m trying to eat right and I’m trying to sleep well
Because I’ve crystallized the moment that you said you were worried about me
Since most days lately I feel like some kind of distant shadowy fire.
And I want to respect what you’re saying because I care about you
You care about me too
Even if my brain is missing most of the time.
And I’ve only known you for a short while
But it’s like suddenly everything is a daydream.
It’s like everything is kind of hazy and it feels like a cliche to say that colors are different
Like I’m not expecting you to fix me like some kind of garbage drama
But everything kind of snaps into focus
She was always so cool
And everything kept spinning
Man, everything is spinning
When I step outside.
I step outside
To meet you at the place where the floor changes colors
I’m slipping backwards into some kind of weird motion
And all I can see is
Blue dancers in the light.
Blue dancers in the light.
All I can see is:
The vision of you walking down the street last summer.
I hadn’t seen you for weeks or months or years - I don’t know anymore - but it was like we hadn’t skipped a day.
And I’m not really into reminiscing as much as you,
So I look at skyscrapers and wonder how they build these fucking things,
And I try not to panic when my eyelids look like endless rows of black smoke factories.
I’m starting to feel sick.
I think I’m gonna be sick.
Can you hold me for one second?
Never ending whiplash and all I can see is:
Blue dancers in the light.
Blue dancers in the light
All I can think is
Can I sooth my blues away?
Can I dance my blues away?
Can I sooth my blues away?
Can I dance my blues away?
When you get a vision of what your life could be like
Baby there’s no going back
Everything is spinning, man
Everything is spinning, man
Everything is spinning
So kiss me quick
Before I start feeling sick
Yeah you set my mind in motion
Some kind of weird perpetual motion.
I might see you again when I look west I think,
But for now all I see is:
Blue dancers in the light.
Blue dancers in the light.
Blue dancers in the light.
Blue dancers in the light.
In the light.
In the light.
In the light.
So I move into my new place and I gave away most of my clothes,
And it’s really just piles of books and records,
And like, I’m trying to start over. I’m really trying to start over.
I’m gonna be well adjusted or something as if that’ll close the distance between us.
But most days I just find myself in a deep state of quiet contemplation, staring at the wall
When you call me on the phone.
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